From the lips you once kissed like I was a girl...

Before I go read my French dictionary to put myself to sleep, these are things that I should do while on leave:

+ Yoga
+ Work on my French
+ Go through all my boxes
+ Organize my writing stuff
+ Organize all my CDs/DVDs
+ Organize files on computer

That's about it for now.

As of right now, my world as I know it is crumbling and is only going to get worse. I know this and I'm trying desperately to prepare myself.

But when listening to Hanson music brings me to tears, I know that there's always going to be something I can turn to. I was only seven years old when they first came out and at almost twenty years old now, they still provide the same comfort that they did back then. I don't care if people think it's stupid, I really don't. It makes me happy. It calms me down. It gives me hope. If people don't like that, too fucking bad.

-C.

For someone who thrives off of physical affection, not being able to stand to have anyone touch her is fucking excruciating. As of right now, it hurts to wear clothes. The lightest touch hurts like a bitch. I've reached a lot of low points in dealing with this whole fibro thing, but the lowest has been when I cannot stand to be touched. I still remember crying when Jesse went to give me a hug because it hurt. It is the most lonely feeling, being cut off from physical affection, from just a simple touch from another human being. I have never felt more isolated than I do right now. Mom gave me a really light kiss on the cheek because anything more than that would have hurt. *sigh*

Sadly, I'm coming to the realisation that I shouldn't get my hopes up on finding a doctor who is willing to treat me. The fact that I convinced one of my doctors that I'm actually in pain, after three years, is a fucking miracle. I'm not holding my breath for anything more than that, not right now. On the outside, it may look like I'm sucking it up and dealing with it and working through the pain, but on the inside... I still haven't accepted it. I don't know if I really will. How can you reasonably be expected to accept the fact that for the rest of your life, you're going to be in pain and there is very little hope for a cure. I admire the people who can accept it, I know I'm definitely not at that point yet. It's really hard knowing that for the rest of my life, I'm going to deal with almost constant pain. I'm toughing through it better than I used to but some days... *sigh* I'm whining, I'm shutting up now.

-C.

I'm feeling so discouraged by... everything. Everything is bringing me down and frustrating me. And depressing me.

My thoughts are too loud, I feel like I have screaming in my head and it's giving me a headache.

I'm gonna lie in bed with my headphones on and just... I dunno, drift. I'm going to hunt down Gravol though cos I need to sleep but I won't if I don't take something because my mind is on overdrive. Fuck.

-C.

On a happier note, Matt told me I looked pretty today. That pretty much made my night. No one realises how something so simple can mean so much to me.

Folding laundry should not exhaust me, it shouldn't make my arms feel like jello.
I'm nineteen years old, I shouldn't have problems doing SIMPLE things. I shouldn't have to ask for help doing simple things.

Reading a lot of these posts on various health related communities makes me really glad I live in Ontario and at least have free health care. Even though our health care sucks major ass.

Fuck.My.Life

I suppose self medicating isn't the best idea in the world, but I feel a huge breakdown coming on and I want to avoid that.

I just can't stop my heart from crushing every time I think of him with someone else... he was never mine to begin with, but I was holding on to some hope that when one of us quit, something would happen. I just... It hurts, a lot more than I really want to admit. Because I let myself fall for him real hard and now he won't have anything to do with me.

*sigh*

Might as well prepare myself for more scars... make the scars that are constantly forming on my heart visible...

I have never felt more of a need or want to change the way my life has become. I just hope I have the strength and courage to do so.

And I'm deliberately ignoring the fact that my dad is prick of the century, because it really just upsets me more when I think about it. So I won't. And I'll try to forget the fact, for now, that he is my father.

One day, I hope knowing that saving my life was beyond my expectations or anything I could have ever hoped or asked for. I hope, someday, you can feel proud of yourself for being such a huge part of my life to help me get to the point where I don't just feel fleeting moments of happiness, but that I *am* happy. You should feel good about yourself, you have done a momentous and selfless thing for me and you don't even see it. You have made my life worth living.

*runs full speed into a wall*

Ok, this scenario was only slightly tolerable when I didn't have two guys who both had feelings for me.

Now I have two guys that I care about who have variable feelings for me, both of whom may or may not want to be with me. Pat, who I have had feelings for since last freaking August isn't sure what he feels for me, seeing how he has a girlfriend and we haven't spoken in about a year. And then there's Derek, this really sweet, funny guy from work who I've been slowly allowing myself to fall for, but I have no clue where my feelings for him stand in the grand scheme of things.

Mother fucker stupid Pat, why'd you have to come into my life RIGHT NOW?!?!?!

Hell fucking froze over.

Not only did my dad call me on Friday after twenty seven days of silence...

Pat sent me a message on Facebook this morning, saying he misses talking to me and feels horrible about what he did.

*headdesk* That's all I have to say. What else CAN I say?

When I was a little girl, I remember being about seven years old, just about to sit down and watch a movie with my family when a news broadcast came on with the picture of a beautiful little girl who had been murdered. Her name was JonBenet Ramsey, she was murdered Christmas night in her home in Boulder, CO. She was taken from her bed in the middle of the night, unconscious from a blow to the head; she was taken into her basement, sexually assaulted and strangled, then bound at the wrists. A SIX YEAR OLD CHILD, brutually murdered in her own house.

I was fascinated about the murder when I was younger. I guess it was because she was just about the same age as me, and it pulled me in the fact that someone had taken her from her bed, while her parents and brother slept and murdered in such a brutal, senseless way. I remember my mom used to buy all the tabloids back then, and for a good year, her face was on the cover of every one. She was a little beauty queen and you could tell by the pictures she had a bright, wonderful spirit. My mom used to forbid me from reading the articles, because she was worried I would be traumatized by reading how she was murdered. The world was fascinated by the death of this little girl and I couldn't help but get caught up in it. It was talked about in our house from time to time and eventually, the news stories started tampering off and so did my interest.

I read an article a few weeks ago about how her family was finally cleared of being involved in her murder. Her mother died two years ago; she died while the world still thought she had something to do with the murder of her own child. I can't imagine what that must feel like. I feel sorry for this family because they fought so long to try and prove their innocence, and it took TWELVE years for someone to bring forth solid evidence saying they had no part in this. Could you imagine that life, because I sure as hell can't.

There's tribute videos for JonBenet on the internet, and I couldn't help myself and I watch them sometimes when I can't find something to do with my time. I just watch these videos, with pictures of this beautiful girl and my heart shatters every time. I don't understand how someone could murder a child, an innocent child. She was six years old, she had barely even seen the world, and her life was taken from her. No one has the right to take the life of anyone, but a child? A CHILD?! The person who murdered her so brutally and senselessly sickens me to the point of physical illness. I think it's the brutality of it now that gets me. She was just a little girl, an innocent little girl who had real promise in her life (apparently, according to some articles I've read) and...

I'm speechless, I'm just... it's heartwrenching and I feel so helpless when I see this, because there is nothing I, nor anyone else can do, to bring this little girl back. It's wrong, it's just... wrong. I know there's a lot of children murdered, a lot we don't hear about, but this one stuck with me all these years. Not to the same extent that it did when I was a little girl, but it's less fascination now, more just sheer, helpless sadness. My heart sincerely goes out to her family. She would have been eighteen years old in a few days. Imagine what she could have done, what she could have offered this world. I know it's going to be a slim hope that her killer is found, but I hope justice is served. I hope they bash his head in like he did hers, I hope they castrate him and I hope that they strangle him in the horrible way he did that little girl. I will be sincerely disappointed in the justice system if the man (they have DNA evidence, it just doesn't match any currently in the system) that murdered JonBenet doesn't get the death penalty.

I know this is completely off topic and seems out of the blue, I've just been thinking about her murder a lot today and thinking about how horrible it is. I just thought I'd vocalise my thoughts, distract myself from everything else.

-C.

I know there's a reason why I keep this journal... maybe it's the memories that lie within it? A lot of history is stored here in this little online journal. Five years of history, of bad memories, of good times... of heartbreak, of anguish, of hope and joy. And yet, I still can't bring myself to write in here. And I have some of the greatest people on here as friends, but I can hardly look my best friend in the eyes and tell him how much I hurt. I can barely face him with everything going on, how on Earth can I face everyone else?

It's been a lot of late nights curled up in Kyle's car in random parking lots... a lot of tears, a lot of confessions... and a lot of work. That's been my life lately. I'm shuttling myself between my parents, based on their moods and my own. It's all a blur these days, how I get to one place to another, it all merges together and seems to damn insignificant to me. I sleep on my rare days off, I hide behind the easy masquerade of lies I form at work, so no one knows exactly why I'm so stressed out all the time. Truth be told, if I didn't have all these other mitigating factors in my life, superivision and work and all that entails wouldn't be nearly as tiresome or stressful. Even just throwing in the anorexia, I don't eat and I'm irritable and cranky. That makes an entire day look alarmingly unmanagable to me, especially knowing that at some point, I'm going to have to answer to Kyle. I don't think he knows how much it kills me when he asks me what I've eaten in the span of a day. I know it's not enough, I know I can barely sustain myself on the barely 800 calories I'm getting a day, but this disease... I can't fight it and it hurts too much to try, and to be honest, a good part of me just doesn't want to. It is so much easier, mentally, to let it run it's course, though I know what the consequences of that could be...

I worked nine days straight, today is my first day off work. I went to see Sex and the City: The Movie and did a booze run into Quebec with Kyle. I want to do nothing other than to be a complete hermit for the next three days. To hide under the blankets, read to my hearts content and sleep as much as my body asks me to. I am just not wired the way people want me to be; the way Kyle wishes I was. I'm not a social person, I'm generally happy completely by myself. Kyle is having such a hard time grasping the levity of my situation and I'm seeing the effects it's having on him. How he constantly worries about me, how much it hurts him to see me torturing myself the way I do. ...How completely withdrawn I become with little to no notice, even to myself. I'm having an incredibly difficult time grasping the situation myself, and more often than not, I just completely avoid dealing with it. I acknowledge that I'm depressed, but I'm trying my best to repress the reasons why, so I don't hurt as acutely. I know, none of what I'm doing is remotely close to being smart. I am completely self destructive and I have no initiative to change it.

Unfortunately, it's getting late and I'm definitely starting to feel the chronic lack of sleep. I'll try to update this a little more often, but I can't make any promises.

Always,
-C.

( Instead of sleep, I do this-yay memes )

Stupid cunt on freaking LJ Secret, telling a girl who was in an abusive relationship that she's dumb for misisng her ex-boyfriend.

-__- One, telling a girl who was in an abusive relationship that she's wrong for feeling the way she's feeling is one of the most idiotic moves (let's not mention telling ANYONE, let alone someone in an abusive relationship...)

Two, it is a common after-effect of an abusive relationship to miss the person who abused you. You are slowly brainwashed into believing that they are doing what they are out of love. I'm not saying it's right, I'm not saying it's fucked up, but it's the truth. It FUCKS you up. Don't go telling someone they're stupid for feeling that way. You get brainwashed into thinking your boyfriend who's forcing you to do sexual things to him is only doing it out of love and that he really does care about you, or he tells you you're fat, but he's only saying it because he loves you. Yea, no, that's not fucked up at all.

I fucking hate my life.

You know, I sit here and wonder how I expect not to be broken. Why I find it surprising that I sit here and wonder what could make all this worth it. A lifetime of hell in ten months... I am so scared I'm broken beyond repair.

Sticky Molecule May Hold Key to Nerve Disorders

I almost started crying when I read this.

This may not mean a cure for nerve disorders, but this may mean more treatment options; better treatment options for people with nerve disorders. If this new discovery (though in the early stages) can help people with lupus, most certainly it can help people with fibromyalgia, because when being diagnosed, lupus is one of the first disorders to be discussed, certainly is with me right now.

For the first time since being told I probably have fibromyalgia, there's a glimmer of hope. I may not have to spend the rest of my life in pain.

Dr: You're on BC?
Me: Yes
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: No, it's been months
Dr: When is your next period
Me: Right now
Dr: Okay, gonna check you for pregnancy

This is why I have lost all faith in the medical system here in Canada. This is the second time in a year that I've flat out told a doctor I'm not pregnant, KNOW I'm not pregnant and they still run pregnancy tests anyway.

*blank stare*

I can't think of anything overly clever or witty to say in here right now.

I spent most of my day in the hospital yesterday, which wasn't the least bit fun. When I woke up for work yesterday, I collapsed to my knees in pain. I was getting really low abdominal pain and couldn't stand up straight. I was on my knees, head on the floor, crying because it hurt so bad. Managed to walk to my mom's room, collapsed again to the floor and just started crying. She phoned my dad (first time since September that they've talked) and he came and picked me up to take me to see a doctor.

I went to see a doctor at the place where I have my family doctor. She did an internal, ran some STD screens (very unlikely I caught anything from Pat OR Jesse but it's standard procedure now a days, I guess) and whatnot. She said she didn't believe I had cysts and that it seemed possible that it was my appendix. She wrote up a lab requisition (decided to test me for HIV AGAIN... third time this year, but I'm always erring on the side of caution and she said I didn't have to get tested but it's just better safe than sorry... she believes me when I say I'm positive I didn't get anythig from either one because we used protection but eh) and sent me to the hospital.

They gave me tylenol there and then after they did the blood work, they gave me a shot of some pain killer that knocked me out. Dad left shortly after that and then Mom came and was with me for a while. The doctor that saw me didn't think it was my appendix, rather a cyst that had burst. I love how it doesn't matter how many times I tell doctors that there's no chance I'm pregnant, they run pregnancy tests anyway. I've had three periods since I was with Pat, I'm not pregnant. ANYWAY, so she examined me again after they ran the labs and said everything came back normal but to keep an eye on things because it could be appendicitis but too early to be able to tell by labs but if they pain gets worse or I start throwing up or something like that, to come back to the hospital.

I was in a lot of pain last night, was in enough to yet again drop to my knees around 8 last night. Mom had me lie on the couch for most of the night. I watched The Incredibles and Reba while sipping on Gatorade until about 9:30, when Kyle phoned and asked if he could come over for a little while. That totally made my night. He got here around ten to ten and brought me chocolate :D He sat in the living room with me until about eleven thirty, just talking and stuff. It was really nice, I was glad he came over to see me. He gave me a big hug before he left and told me to feel better. Man, I love that guy, he's honestly the best. It's gonna be hard finding a boyfriend who compares to Kyle, in the sense that he's as great of a friend and as great of a person to me as Kyle is. There's never gonna be any competition when I have a boyfriend, between him and Kyle, but Kyle is my best friend and means the world to me, so I hope when I do start dating again, whoever I'm with understands that and accepts that. Not that Kyle will mean more to me than a boyfriend, but that he understands that the people in my life are equally important to me.

Anyway, I'm off to lie down. The Ottawa Citizen has a poster of Mike Fisher in it today. That made my day, now I can decorate my new room with posters of hot hockey players. :D

-Bells

I actually confused Kyle when I told him that my future baby's daddy has a house in Halifax. He looked at me and I said happily, "Sidney Crosby!" and he started laughing at me and told me he almost thought I was serious. It was hilarious.

At this current moment in time, Kyle is one of my lifelines. He is one of the very few people, if not the only person (besides Mar, remember you are the exception to all this, sweetie)... when I say I'm okay, he doesn't take it at face value, he knows there's more that I'm not saying. If it weren't for that fact, I don't know what I would do, because I probably wouldn't talk about anything at all.

We were walking down Rideau St. on our way to Chapters and he was goofing around and was like "Tell me of what tortures your soul, my dear" in this really goofy voice, and I start laughing and was like "Trust me, it'd be a long list" and then he got serious and was like "Ok, do you want to go to Bubblicity? We can talk there." So we got to Chapters, picked up my copy of Life of Pi that I need and then headed to Bubblicity. We got our seats, messed around on his laptop for a while and then I was drinking my chocolate mint latte (sooooo good) and he was like "So, what's up?" and I kept saying "Not much" or "nothing really" and he kept asking me. I turned to him and was like "You're not going to stop asking me until I tell you what's wrong, are you?" and he shook his head, put his arm around my shoulder and rubbed my arm. I kind of just slouched next to him and told him how hard everything has been to try and deal with and how I hate that I miss Jesse and I want to be with him and be near him but I know after what happened with Pat, he probably wants absolutely nothing to do with me. He kept telling me that I'd get through this and that there's no rush in getting over this, that I may feel upset because it's been so long since we broke up but I'm still upset over it, but he said that I'm just reacting normally and I'll be okay. I couldn't have asked for a better friend than his is to me, because he is such an amazing guy and I love him to death. He somehow makes everything seem so less horrible than it may be.

It's fun shopping with Kyle lol. I took him into Claire's and Ardene's to look at jewelry. They had suspenders at Ardene's and I was like "KYLE! LOOK!" and he was like "Please, calm your brain, PLEASE!" I ended up buying belly button rings. One has a fairy that dangles and a fake diamond and then there was a pack of five different coloured barbells, ended up costing me $17.00. Quite a bargain, if you ask me. It was 2/$15, so I couldn't resist. I love belly button rings, that's why I got it pierced to begin with. I almost went and got an industrial piercing today, but I wasn't in the mood for pain.

Boy, I love Second Cup. It's this awesome coffee shop and there's one two streets down from my dad's apartment. I dragged Kyle in there so I could get a caramel caretto before walking him to the bus stop by my dad's. He started giving me hugs whenever we say goodbye, has been doing that since he told me about Pat being a douche and telling Jesse that we slept together. Speaking of... I was walking back to my dad's apartment after saying goodbye to Kyle and thinking about Pat and somehow, I still can't believe I actually did go through with it. Kyle said I would've driven myself nuts wondering "what if" if I didn't and he was right, but somehow, it's like "could I have been more stupid?" I know there's no chance of Jesse and I being friends, there never was, even when we broke up, but... this kind of dug myself a grave that really shouldn't be there. Not that Jesse has any right to be mad at me, I can sleep with whoever I want and he has no right to say anything, but... *sigh* I do still want to see him. The insanely masochistic, self destructive part of me is telling me I should.

I'm really lucky to have such great friends, I really am. I would be lost without them, Mar and Kyle especially. They make me smile when I feel like it's an impossibility. I owe them everything.

( And for your viewing enjoyment... )