From the lips you once kissed like I was a girl...

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 05:48:46 GMT

Before I go read my French dictionary to put myself to sleep, these are things that I should do while on leave:

+ Yoga
+ Work on my French
+ Go through all my boxes
+ Organize my writing stuff
+ Organize all my CDs/DVDs
+ Organize files on computer

That's about it for now.

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 23:26:35 GMT

As of right now, my world as I know it is crumbling and is only going to get worse. I know this and I'm trying desperately to prepare myself.

But when listening to Hanson music brings me to tears, I know that there's always going to be something I can turn to. I was only seven years old when they first came out and at almost twenty years old now, they still provide the same comfort that they did back then. I don't care if people think it's stupid, I really don't. It makes me happy. It calms me down. It gives me hope. If people don't like that, too fucking bad.

-C.

When you look into your past and realise that your future ain't a whole lot better...

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 07:13:09 GMT

For someone who thrives off of physical affection, not being able to stand to have anyone touch her is fucking excruciating. As of right now, it hurts to wear clothes. The lightest touch hurts like a bitch. I've reached a lot of low points in dealing with this whole fibro thing, but the lowest has been when I cannot stand to be touched. I still remember crying when Jesse went to give me a hug because it hurt. It is the most lonely feeling, being cut off from physical affection, from just a simple touch from another human being. I have never felt more isolated than I do right now. Mom gave me a really light kiss on the cheek because anything more than that would have hurt. *sigh*

Sadly, I'm coming to the realisation that I shouldn't get my hopes up on finding a doctor who is willing to treat me. The fact that I convinced one of my doctors that I'm actually in pain, after three years, is a fucking miracle. I'm not holding my breath for anything more than that, not right now. On the outside, it may look like I'm sucking it up and dealing with it and working through the pain, but on the inside... I still haven't accepted it. I don't know if I really will. How can you reasonably be expected to accept the fact that for the rest of your life, you're going to be in pain and there is very little hope for a cure. I admire the people who can accept it, I know I'm definitely not at that point yet. It's really hard knowing that for the rest of my life, I'm going to deal with almost constant pain. I'm toughing through it better than I used to but some days... *sigh* I'm whining, I'm shutting up now.

-C.

I feel so untouched right now, need you so much...

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 08:48:56 GMT

~~I'm feeling so discouraged by... everything. Everything is bringing me down and frustrating me. And depressing me.~~

My thoughts are too loud, I feel like I have screaming in my head and it's giving me a headache.

I'm gonna lie in bed with my headphones on and just... I dunno, drift. I'm going to hunt down Gravol though cos I need to sleep but I won't if I don't take something because my mind is on overdrive. Fuck.

-C.

On a happier note, Matt told me I looked pretty today. That pretty much made my night. No one realises how something so simple can mean so much to me.

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 03:49:21 GMT

Folding laundry should not exhaust me, it shouldn't make my arms feel like jello.
I'm nineteen years old, I shouldn't have problems doing SIMPLE things. I shouldn't have to ask for help doing simple things.

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 05:50:15 GMT

Reading a lot of these posts on various health related communities makes me really glad I live in Ontario and at least have free health care. Even though our health care sucks major ass.

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 01:30:57 GMT

Fuck.My.Life

I suppose self medicating isn't the best idea in the world, but I feel a huge breakdown coming on and I want to avoid that.

I just can't stop my heart from crushing every time I think of him with someone else... he was never mine to begin with, but I was holding on to some hope that when one of us quit, something would happen. I just... It hurts, a lot more than I really want to admit. Because I let myself fall for him real hard and now he won't have anything to do with me.

*sigh*

Might as well prepare myself for more scars... make the scars that are constantly forming on my heart visible...

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 06:13:11 GMT

I have never felt more of a need or want to change the way my life has become. I just hope I have the strength and courage to do so.

And I'm deliberately ignoring the fact that my dad is prick of the century, because it really just upsets me more when I think about it. So I won't. And I'll try to forget the fact, for now, that he is my father.

One day, I hope knowing that saving my life was beyond my expectations or anything I could have ever hoped or asked for. I hope, someday, you can feel proud of yourself for being such a huge part of my life to help me get to the point where I don't just feel fleeting moments of happiness, but that I *am* happy. You should feel good about yourself, you have done a momentous and selfless thing for me and you don't even see it. You have made my life worth living.

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 22:21:31 GMT

*runs full speed into a wall*

Ok, this scenario was only slightly tolerable when I didn't have two guys who both had feelings for me.

Now I have two guys that I care about who have variable feelings for me, both of whom may or may not want to be with me. Pat, who I have had feelings for since last freaking August isn't sure what he feels for me, seeing how he has a girlfriend and we haven't spoken in about a year. And then there's Derek, this really sweet, funny guy from work who I've been slowly allowing myself to fall for, but I have no clue where my feelings for him stand in the grand scheme of things.

Mother fucker stupid Pat, why'd you have to come into my life RIGHT NOW?!?!?!

Home sweet hell

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 20:00:31 GMT

Hell fucking froze over.

Not only did my dad call me on Friday after twenty seven days of silence...

Pat sent me a message on Facebook this morning, saying he misses talking to me and feels horrible about what he did.

*headdesk* That's all I have to say. What else CAN I say?

JonBenet Ramsey

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 23:52:34 GMT

When I was a little girl, I remember being about seven years old, just about to sit down and watch a movie with my family when a news broadcast came on with the picture of a beautiful little girl who had been murdered. Her name was JonBenet Ramsey, she was murdered Christmas night in her home in Boulder, CO. She was taken from her bed in the middle of the night, unconscious from a blow to the head; she was taken into her basement, sexually assaulted and strangled, then bound at the wrists. A SIX YEAR OLD CHILD, brutually murdered in her own house.

I was fascinated about the murder when I was younger. I guess it was because she was just about the same age as me, and it pulled me in the fact that someone had taken her from her bed, while her parents and brother slept and murdered in such a brutal, senseless way. I remember my mom used to buy all the tabloids back then, and for a good year, her face was on the cover of every one. She was a little beauty queen and you could tell by the pictures she had a bright, wonderful spirit. My mom used to forbid me from reading the articles, because she was worried I would be traumatized by reading how she was murdered. The world was fascinated by the death of this little girl and I couldn't help but get caught up in it. It was talked about in our house from time to time and eventually, the news stories started tampering off and so did my interest.

I read an article a few weeks ago about how her family was finally cleared of being involved in her murder. Her mother died two years ago; she died while the world still thought she had something to do with the murder of her own child. I can't imagine what that must feel like. I feel sorry for this family because they fought so long to try and prove their innocence, and it took TWELVE years for someone to bring forth solid evidence saying they had no part in this. Could you imagine that life, because I sure as hell can't.

There's tribute videos for JonBenet on the internet, and I couldn't help myself and I watch them sometimes when I can't find something to do with my time. I just watch these videos, with pictures of this beautiful girl and my heart shatters every time. I don't understand how someone could murder a child, an innocent child. She was six years old, she had barely even seen the world, and her life was taken from her. No one has the right to take the life of anyone, but a child? A CHILD?! The person who murdered her so brutally and senselessly sickens me to the point of physical illness. I think it's the brutality of it now that gets me. She was just a little girl, an innocent little girl who had real promise in her life (apparently, according to some articles I've read) and...

I'm speechless, I'm just... it's heartwrenching and I feel so helpless when I see this, because there is nothing I, nor anyone else can do, to bring this little girl back. It's wrong, it's just... wrong. I know there's a lot of children murdered, a lot we don't hear about, but this one stuck with me all these years. Not to the same extent that it did when I was a little girl, but it's less fascination now, more just sheer, helpless sadness. My heart sincerely goes out to her family. She would have been eighteen years old in a few days. Imagine what she could have done, what she could have offered this world. I know it's going to be a slim hope that her killer is found, but I hope justice is served. I hope they bash his head in like he did hers, I hope they castrate him and I hope that they strangle him in the horrible way he did that little girl. I will be sincerely disappointed in the justice system if the man (they have DNA evidence, it just doesn't match any currently in the system) that murdered JonBenet doesn't get the death penalty.

I know this is completely off topic and seems out of the blue, I've just been thinking about her murder a lot today and thinking about how horrible it is. I just thought I'd vocalise my thoughts, distract myself from everything else.

-C.

I just wanna hold your hand, stare at you like you've got everything I need...

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 02:37:50 GMT

I know there's a reason why I keep this journal... maybe it's the memories that lie within it? A lot of history is stored here in this little online journal. Five years of history, of bad memories, of good times... of heartbreak, of anguish, of hope and joy. And yet, I still can't bring myself to write in here. And I have some of the greatest people on here as friends, but I can hardly look my best friend in the eyes and tell him how much I hurt. I can barely face him with everything going on, how on Earth can I face everyone else?

It's been a lot of late nights curled up in Kyle's car in random parking lots... a lot of tears, a lot of confessions... and a lot of work. That's been my life lately. I'm shuttling myself between my parents, based on their moods and my own. It's all a blur these days, how I get to one place to another, it all merges together and seems to damn insignificant to me. I sleep on my rare days off, I hide behind the easy masquerade of lies I form at work, so no one knows exactly why I'm so stressed out all the time. Truth be told, if I didn't have all these other mitigating factors in my life, superivision and work and all that entails wouldn't be nearly as tiresome or stressful. Even just throwing in the anorexia, I don't eat and I'm irritable and cranky. That makes an entire day look alarmingly unmanagable to me, especially knowing that at some point, I'm going to have to answer to Kyle. I don't think he knows how much it kills me when he asks me what I've eaten in the span of a day. I know it's not enough, I know I can barely sustain myself on the barely 800 calories I'm getting a day, but this disease... I can't fight it and it hurts too much to try, and to be honest, a good part of me just doesn't want to. It is so much easier, mentally, to let it run it's course, though I know what the consequences of that could be...

I worked nine days straight, today is my first day off work. I went to see Sex and the City: The Movie and did a booze run into Quebec with Kyle. I want to do nothing other than to be a complete hermit for the next three days. To hide under the blankets, read to my hearts content and sleep as much as my body asks me to. I am just not wired the way people want me to be; the way Kyle wishes I was. I'm not a social person, I'm generally happy completely by myself. Kyle is having such a hard time grasping the levity of my situation and I'm seeing the effects it's having on him. How he constantly worries about me, how much it hurts him to see me torturing myself the way I do. ...How completely withdrawn I become with little to no notice, even to myself. I'm having an incredibly difficult time grasping the situation myself, and more often than not, I just completely avoid dealing with it. I acknowledge that I'm depressed, but I'm trying my best to repress the reasons why, so I don't hurt as acutely. I know, none of what I'm doing is remotely close to being smart. I am completely self destructive and I have no initiative to change it.

Unfortunately, it's getting late and I'm definitely starting to feel the chronic lack of sleep. I'll try to update this a little more often, but I can't make any promises.

Always,
-C.

Meme

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 07:57:06 GMT

1. Honestly, how many people have you had "STRONG" feelings for?
Two and in my mind, they were both mistakes because both hurt me real bad

2. Honestly, what color is your shirt?
White

3. Honestly, what's on your mind?
Too many things right now, but all of the usual shit… do I bother talking to a guy in fear of falling for him? And all the other usual shit that’s on my mind

4. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
Debating talking to this guy that I am so desperately trying not to consider falling for

5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
No

6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
Uh… probably

7. Honestly, do you watch Wild n' Out?
Never heard of it

8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
Insanely so and it’s not even anyone I know, just people who get to talk to people that I don’t

9. Honestly, who makes you happy most of the time?
Kyle and Mar

11. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
Yea

12. Honestly, do you have deep secrets?
Yes

13. Honestly, when is the last time you have been to tesco?
When I was thirteen

14. Honestly, are you mean?
No, but I do believe I’m a bit of a cynical bitch at times

15. Honestly, who did you copy and paste this from?
Shanie

16. Honestly, where would you rather be right now?
Not here, for the love of God, anywhere but here

17. Honestly, do you love someone?
Yes and I really wish I didn’t…

18. Honestly, who was the last person to text you and what did they say?
Kyle texted me to say he’d call me later and check on me to see if I was feeling any better

19. Honestly, is there anything currently annoying you?
Yea, my life

20. Honestly, what was the last thing you ate?
Chocolate

21. Honestly, have you gone out of your way to make a new friend?
Uh, not really, just kind of happened

22. Honestly, do you shower?
Yes

23. Honestly, are you desperate?
Depends in what way

25. Honestly, ever made anyone cry?
Yes, but not in a mean way

26. Honestly, have you ever cried over someone?
So many times

27. Honestly, when was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out?
Earlier today, I started crying and almost got REALLY sick because of it

28. Honestly, have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
Quite a bit

29. Honestly, have you kissed someone of the opposite sex this week?
No

30. Honestly, when was the last time you hugged or kissed someone?
Hugged… uh, earlier today… kissed… September

32. Honestly, are you normally a happy person?
Depends on a lot of things… usually not right now, too much going on that keeps me from being happy

33. Honestly, what makes you mad?
Life

34. Honestly, does being with your friends make you happy?
Always

35. Honestly, do you believe in yourself?
Not really

37. Honestly, is cheating acceptable?
Never

39. Honestly, have you hugged a girl this week?
My mom?

40. Honestly, are you a relationship person?
Very much so

41. Honestly, do you own a box of condoms?
Two actually lol, though never used

42. Honestly, when is the last time you went shopping?
Friday

43. Honestly, are you missing somebody right now?
Always

What are your current top 5 favorite songs?
1. My December // Linkin Park
2. Can’t Take It // The All American Rejects
3. The Scientist // Coldplay
4. I’ll Be Waiting // Lenny Kravitz
5. No One // Alicia Keys

What are your current top 5 favorite movies?
1. Ratatouille
2. Knocked Up
3. Anywhere But Here
4. Cruel Intentions
5. Finding Nemo

What are your top 5 favorite names?
1. Aislynn
2. Emberlynn
3. Joshua
4. Parker
5. Ebony

What are your top 5 favorite savory foods?
1. Uh…
2.
3.
4.
5.

- What are your top 5 favorite sweet foods?
1. Cheesecake
2. Shortbread cookies
3. Chocolate
4.
5.

What are your top 5 favorite animals?
1. Siberian tiger
2. Do teddy bears count?
3 Rabbits
4. Not frogs
5. Turtles

What are your top 5 favorite websites?
1. Facebook
2. LJ
3. MSN Games
4. MSN dollies
5. uh…

01. Do you collect anything?:
Personal mementos; cards, pictures, etc

02. How much do you weigh/how tall are you?:
Go bite me, none of your business

03. What's your favorite planet?:
Neptune/Saturn

04. What is your birth date?:
August 12th, 1989

05. Who is your favorite male celebrity?:
Sidney Crosby, currently

06. Who is your favorite female celebrity?:
I have a few

07. Do you like to play video games?:
Depends on what video game

08. What are your favorite video games?:
Anything where I can take my anger out

09. Does anything on your body hurt right now?:
Everything, particularly my right side

10. What are you listening to?:
Wonderwall by Oasis

11. How long have you liked that band/singer?:
Eh

12. When was the last time you took aspirin or any other pain killer?: Not recently, I had been taking too much for the fibro for an extended period of time and I just didn’t want to take anything anymore

13. Do you wear make-up?: Usually won’t leave the house without it

14. What's your favorite class that you're taking this year?:
Not in school

15. Do you like pigs?:
What a random question

1. How late did you stay up last night? I fell asleep around two-thirty ish
2. What was the first thing you thought this morning?: Oh fuck, another Jesse dream
3. Is the person you like older or younger than you?: Older
4. What did you do last night?: Felt like dying. Kyle came over for a few hours and then we talked on MSN for a while after he got back to his rez
5. What do you hope to do this weekend?: Not go insane
6. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?: Highly fucking doubt it
7. Do you own a stereo that cost more than $100?: Quite possibly?
8. Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex you loved them and meant it?: Yes
9. How's your heart lately?: Broken, pretty much beyond repair at this point
10. What were you doing this morning at 7am?: Hopefully sleeping
11. What were you doing this afternoon at 12pm?: Possibly at the hospital
14. What was the reason you last cried?: Being really sick and frustrated with everything
19. Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?: Yes
20. How many red lights have you ran?: None
21. Have you ever cried while taking a shower?: Quite a bit, usually the only time I can get away with it without anyone finding out, unless it’s really late at night
22. What was your favorite grade?: Eighth, if any
23. What were you doing at 12am last night?: Can’t remember, probably on the computer
24. What's a sure way to catch your attention?: Do something random or say something funny
25. Have you ever, in any way, been betrayed by someone you trusted?: More times than I care to think about
26. When was the last time you were given a rose?: …
27. Is there anything that you are craving for right now?: Love
28. Where did your last hug take place?: Uh, in the kitchen, Mom hugged me and told me she’s sorry I’m sick
29. Do people ever make stupid mistakes when spelling or saying your name? All the time
30. Have you ever started a sentence with "No offense, but..."? Mmhmm
31. Do you drink tea? Ocassionally
32. When was the last time you saw a cop? *shrug*
33. Did you ride in someone else's car today? No
34. Have you made a mistake in the past week? God, when have I not?
35. What are you listening to right now? I’ll Be Waiting by Lenny Kravitz
36. Who was the last person to text you? Kyle
37. Do you miss someone? Every minute
38. Is there anything you regret about your past? A lot of things
39. Are you happy with your life? No
41. Is there a feeling you're trying to avoid? Yes
43. What was the last movie you saw? Wild Hogs
44. Are you sleeping somewhere next saturday night? In my bed, with any luck

UGH

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 07:04:31 GMT

Stupid cunt on freaking LJ Secret, telling a girl who was in an abusive relationship that she's dumb for misisng her ex-boyfriend.

-__- One, telling a girl who was in an abusive relationship that she's wrong for feeling the way she's feeling is one of the most idiotic moves (let's not mention telling ANYONE, let alone someone in an abusive relationship...)

Two, it is a common after-effect of an abusive relationship to miss the person who abused you. You are slowly brainwashed into believing that they are doing what they are out of love. I'm not saying it's right, I'm not saying it's fucked up, but it's the truth. It FUCKS you up. Don't go telling someone they're stupid for feeling that way. You get brainwashed into thinking your boyfriend who's forcing you to do sexual things to him is only doing it out of love and that he really does care about you, or he tells you you're fat, but he's only saying it because he loves you. Yea, no, that's not fucked up at all.

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 01:27:44 GMT

I fucking hate my life.

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 06:32:37 GMT

You know, I sit here and wonder how I expect not to be broken. Why I find it surprising that I sit here and wonder what could make all this worth it. A lifetime of hell in ten months... I am so scared I'm broken beyond repair.

Possible breakthrough in nerve disorder research

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 22:57:50 GMT

Sticky Molecule May Hold Key to Nerve Disorders

I almost started crying when I read this.

This may not mean a cure for nerve disorders, but this may mean more treatment options; better treatment options for people with nerve disorders. If this new discovery (though in the early stages) can help people with lupus, most certainly it can help people with fibromyalgia, because when being diagnosed, lupus is one of the first disorders to be discussed, certainly is with me right now.

For the first time since being told I probably have fibromyalgia, there's a glimmer of hope. I may not have to spend the rest of my life in pain.

What part of NO don't you understand??

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 21:51:46 GMT

Dr: You're on BC?
Me: Yes
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: No, it's been months
Dr: When is your next period
Me: Right now
Dr: Okay, gonna check you for pregnancy

This is why I have lost all faith in the medical system here in Canada. This is the second time in a year that I've flat out told a doctor I'm not pregnant, KNOW I'm not pregnant and they still run pregnancy tests anyway.

*blank stare*

Well gee whiz...

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 19:33:50 GMT

I can't think of anything overly clever or witty to say in here right now.

I spent most of my day in the hospital yesterday, which wasn't the least bit fun. When I woke up for work yesterday, I collapsed to my knees in pain. I was getting really low abdominal pain and couldn't stand up straight. I was on my knees, head on the floor, crying because it hurt so bad. Managed to walk to my mom's room, collapsed again to the floor and just started crying. She phoned my dad (first time since September that they've talked) and he came and picked me up to take me to see a doctor.

I went to see a doctor at the place where I have my family doctor. She did an internal, ran some STD screens (very unlikely I caught anything from Pat OR Jesse but it's standard procedure now a days, I guess) and whatnot. She said she didn't believe I had cysts and that it seemed possible that it was my appendix. She wrote up a lab requisition (decided to test me for HIV AGAIN... third time this year, but I'm always erring on the side of caution and she said I didn't have to get tested but it's just better safe than sorry... she believes me when I say I'm positive I didn't get anythig from either one because we used protection but eh) and sent me to the hospital.

They gave me tylenol there and then after they did the blood work, they gave me a shot of some pain killer that knocked me out. Dad left shortly after that and then Mom came and was with me for a while. The doctor that saw me didn't think it was my appendix, rather a cyst that had burst. I love how it doesn't matter how many times I tell doctors that there's no chance I'm pregnant, they run pregnancy tests anyway. I've had three periods since I was with Pat, I'm not pregnant. ANYWAY, so she examined me again after they ran the labs and said everything came back normal but to keep an eye on things because it could be appendicitis but too early to be able to tell by labs but if they pain gets worse or I start throwing up or something like that, to come back to the hospital.

I was in a lot of pain last night, was in enough to yet again drop to my knees around 8 last night. Mom had me lie on the couch for most of the night. I watched The Incredibles and Reba while sipping on Gatorade until about 9:30, when Kyle phoned and asked if he could come over for a little while. That totally made my night. He got here around ten to ten and brought me chocolate :D He sat in the living room with me until about eleven thirty, just talking and stuff. It was really nice, I was glad he came over to see me. He gave me a big hug before he left and told me to feel better. Man, I love that guy, he's honestly the best. It's gonna be hard finding a boyfriend who compares to Kyle, in the sense that he's as great of a friend and as great of a person to me as Kyle is. There's never gonna be any competition when I have a boyfriend, between him and Kyle, but Kyle is my best friend and means the world to me, so I hope when I do start dating again, whoever I'm with understands that and accepts that. Not that Kyle will mean more to me than a boyfriend, but that he understands that the people in my life are equally important to me.

Anyway, I'm off to lie down. The Ottawa Citizen has a poster of Mike Fisher in it today. That made my day, now I can decorate my new room with posters of hot hockey players. :D

-Bells

Today was special...

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 21:17:50 GMT

I actually confused Kyle when I told him that my future baby's daddy has a house in Halifax. He looked at me and I said happily, "Sidney Crosby!" and he started laughing at me and told me he almost thought I was serious. It was hilarious.

At this current moment in time, Kyle is one of my lifelines. He is one of the very few people, if not the only person (besides Mar, remember you are the exception to all this, sweetie)... when I say I'm okay, he doesn't take it at face value, he knows there's more that I'm not saying. If it weren't for that fact, I don't know what I would do, because I probably wouldn't talk about anything at all.

We were walking down Rideau St. on our way to Chapters and he was goofing around and was like "Tell me of what tortures your soul, my dear" in this really goofy voice, and I start laughing and was like "Trust me, it'd be a long list" and then he got serious and was like "Ok, do you want to go to Bubblicity? We can talk there." So we got to Chapters, picked up my copy of Life of Pi that I need and then headed to Bubblicity. We got our seats, messed around on his laptop for a while and then I was drinking my chocolate mint latte (sooooo good) and he was like "So, what's up?" and I kept saying "Not much" or "nothing really" and he kept asking me. I turned to him and was like "You're not going to stop asking me until I tell you what's wrong, are you?" and he shook his head, put his arm around my shoulder and rubbed my arm. I kind of just slouched next to him and told him how hard everything has been to try and deal with and how I hate that I miss Jesse and I want to be with him and be near him but I know after what happened with Pat, he probably wants absolutely nothing to do with me. He kept telling me that I'd get through this and that there's no rush in getting over this, that I may feel upset because it's been so long since we broke up but I'm still upset over it, but he said that I'm just reacting normally and I'll be okay. I couldn't have asked for a better friend than his is to me, because he is such an amazing guy and I love him to death. He somehow makes everything seem so less horrible than it may be.

It's fun shopping with Kyle lol. I took him into Claire's and Ardene's to look at jewelry. They had suspenders at Ardene's and I was like "KYLE! LOOK!" and he was like "Please, calm your brain, PLEASE!" I ended up buying belly button rings. One has a fairy that dangles and a fake diamond and then there was a pack of five different coloured barbells, ended up costing me $17.00. Quite a bargain, if you ask me. It was 2/$15, so I couldn't resist. I love belly button rings, that's why I got it pierced to begin with. I almost went and got an industrial piercing today, but I wasn't in the mood for pain.

Boy, I love Second Cup. It's this awesome coffee shop and there's one two streets down from my dad's apartment. I dragged Kyle in there so I could get a caramel caretto before walking him to the bus stop by my dad's. He started giving me hugs whenever we say goodbye, has been doing that since he told me about Pat being a douche and telling Jesse that we slept together. Speaking of... I was walking back to my dad's apartment after saying goodbye to Kyle and thinking about Pat and somehow, I still can't believe I actually did go through with it. Kyle said I would've driven myself nuts wondering "what if" if I didn't and he was right, but somehow, it's like "could I have been more stupid?" I know there's no chance of Jesse and I being friends, there never was, even when we broke up, but... this kind of dug myself a grave that really shouldn't be there. Not that Jesse has any right to be mad at me, I can sleep with whoever I want and he has no right to say anything, but... *sigh* I do still want to see him. The insanely masochistic, self destructive part of me is telling me I should.

I'm really lucky to have such great friends, I really am. I would be lost without them, Mar and Kyle especially. They make me smile when I feel like it's an impossibility. I owe them everything.

My goal in life...

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 06:04:50 GMT

I'm gonna pull a Katie Holmes.

One day, I will marry Sidney Crosby.

*grins*

Who knows, it may work. And he's only 21, so *grins some more*

Yea, I so totally need a fucking life...

Meet the new love of my life...

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 05:32:09 GMT

So other than wanting to throw myself into the plexi-glass barriers as the dull pain I've been supressing started to re-emerge, the hockey game was pretty fucking sweet tonight. The Sens ALMOST one, but lost in the shoot out, but yea, Sens rock, Penguins suck. Mike Fisher is the ultimate hot Sen, oh my God. *fans self* I've had the biggest crush on that guy since I was 14.

And I fell in love...

Tell me how many people actually saw that and thought "OH MY GOD, DID SHE MEET SOMEONE?! Yea, ok... I'm still hung up on my ex boyfriend and his best friend. *rolls eyes* I'm so pathetic that I want to run at a glass window and just scream.

It's a pity though, because Sidney thinks he's all that and that the Penguins would be shit without him. It was funny because every time Sidney got the puck, the entire stadium started to boo. I was in on it too, of course, but I want to have his beautiful children. *nods* But it was still fun. Having 20,000 people booing at you tends to throw off your concentration lol.

How do you know...

Thu, 22 Nov 2007 04:47:02 GMT

After seeing the specialist today, I have to go for a full lab work up (a bunch of tests that I don't even know what they're for) and go see her in the middle of December for the test results and possibly more tests, depending on what the results come back with from these tests. She's trying to rule out drug induced lupus (again) and she's testing me for another disorder that I can't remember the name of. I think it's an auto-immune disorder but I can't be one hundred percent sure. She thinks that there's a good chance I have this disorder along with fibromyalgia. She's also put me on flexeril to help with my sleep problems, because I have to go through the sleep cycle about three or four times a night.

There's not really much else to write. I've been playing Polar Bowler with my dad since last night, whomping ass. It's been keeping me sane and in the mean time, I've been trying to write my long over due essay. There's been just so many things on my mind lately and some days it gets to me more than others... some days it gets to me a lot more than people realise, more than I can stand to realise. I have these trigger points and I do everything I can to avoid them, but sometimes I can't and it brings me down again. *sigh*

Ok, going to watch OTH, cos Dad's gonna be back soon and then he'll go to bed and I can be back online.

-Bella

You don't know how easily you can make me smile

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 02:02:27 GMT

"Oh we're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz"

My brain just randomly started singing that... anyway...

I spend a lot of time next door at my aunt's house. This is a well known fact, I adore my aunt to death and I'm really close. Anyway, so I was over talking to my uncle and he's seriously gung ho on Kyle being way more interested in me than just a friend. That and he also thinks I still love Jesse and would take him back, but besides the point. ANYWAY, so yea, we were talking and he said something about Kyle and he's like "That boy looks at you more than just a friend" and I was like "NO HE DOESN'T!" Him and I have been through this hundreds upon hundreds of times, we are JUST friends. It's kind of exhausting trying to convince people that we're not dating and most certainly not sleeping together.

"Chantel, are you two dating?"
Me: No
"Are you sure?"
Me: Yes?
"Well, if you're not dating, you guys must be sleeping together. You're too close to just be best friends."
Me: Boggles the fucking mind, doesn't it?

I have some great friends though, don't I? Kevin was like "We never talk anymore, I hate it." and then went to say that he's always here for me. And Kyle just freaking rocks. And I spent most of today chatting with my bestest friend in the world, the other half of the amazing Dynamic Duo. *sigh* Today has been a good day. *nods*

-Bella

Dance like no one's watching...

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 00:55:17 GMT

It is slightly amusing yet very scary that I'm now all trendy-glam. Skinny jeans with metallic flats, updos, tunic tops, chandelier earrings... *sigh* I'm all grown up!

Countdown:

17 days: Hanson concert!!!!!
37 days: Christmas (eh...)
41 days: MAR GETS HERE! (less than six weeks now)
44 days: NYE party/sleepover with Mar and Kyle (possibly Skippy)
49 days: OTH season premiere

*sigh* I've been thinking too much lately... /sad rant. Moving on.

Mom and I checked out this apartment tonight, down on Lassiter and it's SOOOOOOOOO nice. We'll find out tomorrow if the guy will rent it to us. We'll be in there before Christmas, with any luck, but it's sad because it means that I have to say goodbye to Cody. *sigh* Cody's been part of the family since I was four and he annoys the living hell out of me now because he's deaf and howls all the time, but he's still my dog. That's the only part of moving that really upsets me, is having to say goodbye to him. He's getting old now and he's starting to lose his vision, already lost all of his hearing... but, it's still hard. I'm excited about the apartment though; it's closer to Kyle's parents' house, it's cozy (THERE'S NO STAIRS AND IT'S CARPETTED!!!!!!!) but... I don't know.

Kyle and I are going out tonight. His work is showing some late movies and he called me earlier and asked if I wanted to go with him. I'm probably going to end up sleeping through the movie, but I want to be around Kyle. I don't have to pretend with him; I don't have to smile if I don't feel like it and he knows. It's just easier with him than it is with everyone else here.

I still miss him. I wish he'd give me my heart back already. I want to see him. Some days I still wish he'd tell me he made a mistake and that he's sorry. That he really does love me. I wish I didn't feel like that. I lost my virginity to him almost a year ago now and I think about that every single day. I regret it every single day. He just haunts me now.